Being single—it’s a gift and a challenge. It’s a gift because it is cool to have free time to do whatever you want to do, not have to rush and shave your legs, and hang with whomever you want with no fuckass drama to follow, but at the same time it’s a challenge because well, people are crazy. If you or someone you know is deep into the dating game, they are most likely well aware of what’s out there—I’ve tried to attempt and just gave up. If “Prince Charming” wants to find me, I’ll be the tall skinny bitch at the bar with a Corona and a shot.
After discussing with friends and reflecting on my own experiences, I decided to compile a list of things that will quickly get your ass dismissed in this dating world. Ladies (& gentlemen), I give you: The Holla No-Nos.
YOU CALL AFTER 3AM.
I touched on this briefly in a previous post on a guy I met a bar that felt comfortable enough with himself to call my phone at 4am to come and “hang”. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—NOBODY HANGS AT 4AM. NOBODY. During those hours you’re either out getting some crack, a customer, some weed, some ass or an Ultimate Omelet at Denny’s. You’re not just “hanging”. I definitely can’t kick it like I used to so if you’re calling me waking me up out of my sleep at 4am you better have just been shot, stuck on the highway or just won the lotto.
YOU DON’T HAVE A CAR.
TLC said it best–no one wants the friend that hangs on the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride. Let’s face it—gas is high and the struggle is real. I can’t get involved with someone that has no means of transportation. I’m not a shuttle driver nor can I pass for Morgan Freeman to drive Miss Daisy about town.
YOU DON’T KNOW ME, BUT YOU’RE LEAVING ME VOICEMAILS.
I met a guy through a mutual friend once—we exchanged numbers and everything was grand in the land. Until the next day –he sent me a message asking to hang out—I didn’t respond because I was busy and honestly a part of me just didn’t want to.
Now I don’t know about you, but if I text someone I’m not close to and they don’t respond, I leave it alone and go on with my fucking life—but not this guy. Shortly after me not responding, I get a phone call. It’s homeboy—and again I decided to ignore his advances and not answer. If I didn’t answer your text what the Devil makes you think I’ll answer the phone? Well he decides to go a step further and leave a voicemail. STOP RIGHT THERE. Unless you are a close friend, a drunk close friend, a family member over the age of 50, a company looking to hire the best black person ever A.K.A me, or a bill collector—don’t leave a voicemail. I automatically will assume you are desperate and an axe murderer.
YOU SEND DICK PICS.
Never will I ever understand this. I pride myself on being an intelligent young woman, I passed Health with flying colors therefore I know what I penis looks like. I don’t need to be sent a picture of one to tote around town with. I just don’t get it—it’s not scratch and sniff, or 3D, or comes with free Wifi. It serves no true purpose.
YOU SEND A PIC—TO SEVERAL GIRLS.
Few years ago I received a text message from a guy I had a crush on. It was a beautiful pink rose with an attached text that said ‘Rise and Shine beautiful’. Cute, right? Not so cute?—the fact that three other numbers were attached to it. HOLD UP. I had a Blackberry at the time and for those who have never owned one no matter how discreet you try to be on a group message, Blackberry will put you and your contacts smooth on blast. So group wisely.
WE DON’T PLAY FOR THE SAME TEAM.
Sometimes I am flattered when other girl’s hit on me. Other times I am scared and don’t want to go to the bathroom alone in fear that my ass will get jumped and made to be someone’s girlfriend. I know I say sometimes I hate guys, but I could never play for the other team. Power and air kisses to the ladies that do, but it’s not in the cards for me.
YOU HAVE NO JOB.
I said good day.
YOU HAVE NO JOB, BUT YOU ARE DEEP IN THE MUSIC GAME.
You are nobody’s payroll, but you on the way up? Oh okay. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I definitely won’t be on the Thank You list when that first album blows up. I’ll just see you on TV at the VMAs.
YOU HAVE BABIES AND BABY MAMAS
Life Happens. I definitely get that. If you have a child, that is perfect okay at this age in the game. While you were being a responsible parent, I was probably out damaging my liver somewhere so respects to you. Now once we start reaching the plurals, there kind becomes need to start asking some questions. Do they all have the same mother? You couldn’t work it out with none of these women? Are they crazy? Am I going to get shot or my windows busted? Some ex-girlfriends are loony enough, but when you start bringing in baby mamas—it might be time to break out the sneaks and head to the childless border.
YOU ARE DUMBER THAN A BOX OF FURBIES.
There’s nothing less attractive than a dumbass person.
YOU’RE NOT FUNNY.
What’s almost as much of a turn off as someone who is a dumbass, is someone with a personality of a wet tissue. I haven’t really decided yet if I’m actually funny or just a fucking lunatic, but if you can’t make me laugh or keep up in the Humor department we have nothing to talk about.
YOU HAVE BAD BREATH.
With all this said, I will end to say this:
Think before you holla.