When I think about my future, I’m not completely sure whether or not I want to have children. I don’t dislike kids in general; it’s really the thought of my own that scare me. Is there a Return Policy that comes with this baby? No? Can I just make an even exchange? No?
As if those concerns weren’t high enough, the other day I decided to rent a few films and one of them was the 2011 Drama We Need To Talk About Kevin, based off of the 2003 novel by Lionel Shriver. It follows a mother named Eva (Tilda Swinton) who struggles to bond with her son Kevin. From birth, Kevin was a handful—constantly screaming and crying, so much to the point where Eva’s only real moment of peace is that at a construction site. As little Kevin gets older the signs become increasingly alarming to Eva–while Kevin is viewed by others as “normal”, there is something very much so wrong with him. That’s all I can say on this premise without giving everything else away but the entire film is haunting, shocking, and definitely putting me in no rush to have kids. ‘Kevin’ also stars normally funny man John C. Reilly as the father and the beautiful (and new celebrity crush—sorry Josh Peck) Ezra Miller as the older Kevin.
This film got me thinking about other films I’ve seen in the past that have now re-sparked my fear in having children.
You can’t talk fears and babies without bringing up the ultimate pregnancy no-no, Rosemary’s Baby, the 1968 classic following the tale of young newlywed Rosemary (Mia Farrow)—fresh off her wedding and settling into her new home with her handsome husband and charming neighbors when she discovers she is pregnant–and that’s when shit gets real. Rosemary becomes increasingly alarmed by the mysterious behaviors of the people around her and soon is faced with the realization she’s not having just any baby, she’s having Satan’s baby. Yeah, no thank you.
This film is also a fair warning into being careful whom you decide to spend the rest of your life with or give your friendship to, because they could turn out to be something terrible like devil worshippers or Twilight fans.
As a kid I thought this film was hilarious, but now thinking about the 1990 story of adopted son Junior wrecking havoc on his poor father Ben (John Ritter) and everyone else around him makes me almost want to break out in hives. Pen pals with a serial killer? Put that kid in a box and ship him back to the agency please, I’ll pay extra for the fast return.
Another film about adoption gone wrong, with a much darker twist in the 2009 tale of couple Kate and John wanting to add to their greiving family by adding a young girl from Russia to the mix. Esther is easy to talk to, smart, talented……and crazier than cat shit. She is also packing a mighty revelation along with those bags she just moved in also.
MACAULAY CULKIN AS A CHILD
I LOVE the first two Home Alone films. But upon watching these at an older age along with also The Good Son, even Macaulay and his popsicle lips make having children terrifying. The Good Son, for obvious reasons, Home Alone for the less. I get Kevin’s parents were a tad negletful but the thought of my eight year old gallavanting about town buying milk alone, stealing toothbrushes and toying with criminals for an hour and 45 minutes is terrifying.
If I ever do break down and become someone’s mother in the far future, I’m getting my kid a life supply of Holy water, a background check and a cat bell. Until all of that, I shall get myself an anti-inflammatory.