“Bye Felicia”: When someone says something that you really could give two shits about—their name then becomes “felicia”, a random bitch that nobody is sad to see go. They’re real name becomes irrelevant and instead, they now are “Felicia”.
Everyone has their signature catchphrase that they have or they’re known for. I think I have a few of them but the one I am most known for lately with people that know me is calling out Felicia.
Now everyone seems to do it. Because it just works for shit you just don’t have time for.
I’ll always have time for Sweet Brown, but the Felicias of the world have got to go.
Half of the entire population on social media.
I like social media, I do. If you know how to work it properly it’s a great tool to network, make new friends, stay in touch with old ones and also promote any and everything you have going on.
But then every once in a while, other shit happens.
Like when you check your Facebook page and notice you have a notification. Did that cute guy like your picture or like your status and finally realize you are one of the greatest and probably one of the funniest bitches on this planet?
It’s your friend’s grandma. Sending you a request to play on Farmville. And she needs your help because her crops are dying.
There are some days where I can’t figure out how my hair got the way that it did, you can’t expect me to help you with your crops, ma’am.
Then there are those other notifications: THE FACEBOOK POKE.
I can’t even begin to truly describe how much I hate this shit. It’s pointless, it’s creepy, it’s disrespecting my rule of personal space and it’s annoying. DO NOT TOUCH ME!!!!
And while we are still on the subject of the blue devil in the flesh, where would it be without the people who are constantly posting photos of themselves. “I’m bored”. “Natural beauty”. “Hurt but not broken”. “Gym flow”. “Single flow”. “Sunday flow”.
One day there actually was someone on my news feed who posted a picture of themselves cheesed up with the caption that said “Funeral flow”.
I FUCKING CANNOT.
Then there are my favorites. The Twitter trolls.
They’re not following you, but they feel the need to pop up randomly and tell you that what you just said isn’t an actual word or that YOUR opinion of something is wrong.
The Jenn Bunney’s.
If you are a loser like myself and got into the MTV series The Hills, you know whom and exactly what I am talking about. OR if you didn’t, you read up on this post and got familiar with the code.
I don’t have time for Jenn Bunney’s. If you’ve already proven you seem to love the taste of my leftovers I can no longer take you seriously and consider a friend.
BYE FUCKING FELICIA!
This fuckery called Dating.
Recently I went out with a girlfriend; we were playing catch up and talking about the hectic schedules that are our lives and of course, guys. She was actually in the midst of telling me about one she’d been seeing when he’d sent her a text message.
More of a request, actually.
He wanted a picture of her vagina.
This little bastard obviously did not read Holla No-Nos.
We are well off into 2013. We are all adults, have taken Health class and have all seen a porno
or six. Therefore we all know what a vagina looks like. AND WHO ASKS THAT ANYWAYS?!!
Maybe if you had as much game as you think you did you’d see it in person and wouldn’t have to ask for a photo, freak.
The last time I fell victim to the request I was just coming home from an evening of thinking I could hang with my friends and tequila shots at the same time when I received a message saying “Send me a pic”. So I did.
Of my vomit.
I haven’t heard from him since.
And what is up with these guys (not all) thinking they can just pop up whenever they feel like it and play games. Umm, no. You are not the Monopoly man. You are not Ryan Gosling or James Franco or even one of those stupid guys from Twilight. So dismiss yourself.
LINDSAY LOHAN AND AMANDA BYNES
Okay not all people. For one if you’re reading this, I fucking love you. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
It’s the others.
I think I have at least two episodes a day where I want to scream and shout to the sky and thank that I was not made a basic bitch.
Dumb is becoming an epidemic and someone needs to find a way to put all these people in a box and ship them to a place far, far away.
“Oh was that two stupid questions? In a row?! Once is forgiven, twice to the box you go, bitch”.
Same goes for extremely rude people. STOP AND REALIZE YOUR PETTY PROBLEM DOESN’T MATTER AND YOU ARE JUST A SPECK ON THE UNIVERSE.
I am for obvious reasons dedicating this post to the 1995 film Friday, for being one of the greatest films and for also of course generating this phrase. If you’ve seen it a million times like I have, rewatch and laugh some more. And if you haven’t seen this film–