Shade vs Reading

Real-Housewives-of-AtlantaI LOVE my fair portion of trash reality television, and Real Housewives of Atlanta definitely does not miss the plate. This season thus far has been an interesting one with Porsha’s divorce, Mama Joyce’s hatred for Todd, and whether or not Kenya actually did offer to “suck Apollo’s wee-wee”. I wish I was making some of this shit up.

On one of the more recent episodes cast member Nene Leakes brought along one of her friends Mynique to a group gathering where she was later then schooled on the fundamentals of throwing shade and reading.

reading

No, not that kind of reading.

ReadHunny

  • Shade: acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone a.k.a “throwing shade”.
  • Read: To tell someone about themself, as in “Don’t do it bitch, I will read your ass”.

Bitch don't comeShade throwing and serving a good read–you either know it or you don’t. Personally it’s not something that can be taught, especially in the span of a few minutes and then be put up against almost the entire cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta–because chances are you won’t be ready.

However, let’s get with the Gawds and break this all down: Get your glasses handy because the library is officially open, honey chile.

THE CASE OF THE EX-FRIEND

fake hugYou two used to be close, almost too close. You went everywhere, you knew everything and couldn’t imagine them out of your future. Now for whatever reason that is no longer the case and you have no intentions on seeing them ever again BUT since the universe hates you life has a way of showing it loves you there they are alive, in the flesh, and in your presence.tumblr_mnzzu1L7831ql5yr7o1_500Amongst the midst of side eyes and death glares, one of five things will end up happening.

They will be ignored.

look past look past2You’re not here for it and you hope they caught an episode or two of Blue’s Clues to take a clue and realize to stay in their ghostly lane and away from yours. Smile and keep it moving, ma’am.

Fake conversation and shade will be thrown.

You don’t give a key limed fuck what they’ve been doing since you two stopped talking but you will entertain the idea since they seem so adamant on knowing what’s been going on in your life. You keep it light and all is face sneers and lollipops until a comment is made that sits funnier than a late night at Taco Bell with you.

oh really oh really2

READING WILL TAKE PLACE

Sister girl went there and now you feel obligated to throw them back in the lane they crawled out of. Not. here. for. it.

check your lipstick

Drunk cry and make up

crying-friendsThey’re sorry. You’re sorry. At least your vodka/cranberry is and eventually you will be the next day upon reading apologetic text messages back and forth with your former and fighting a vicious hangover.

Go to jail and end up on WorldStar

sharkeisha punchOr all of the above.

AIN’T NO EX LIKE AN EX

The only thing worse than being in a room with an ex friend, is being in one with an ex lover, or worse–an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sure, there are some exes that can find common ground and get a long for the sake of mankind.

1363190332_courteney-cox-david-arquette-coco-lgOthers, not so much.

Chappelle DissYou tried being friendly and handling yourself with the dignity and grace Kate Middleton would be proud of, but can you really resist throwing a little shade when under the same roof of the fool that broke your heart?

dont like bite size dont like bite size2Or completely getting together their “date” for the evening after they felt bold enough after a few vodka/sodas to come and talk to you.

you a throwback you a throwback2Then there is the ultimate shade and my personal favorite, the hair flip and ignore.hair flip byeThey could sit right across a table from you and you wouldn’t even as much sneeze their direction.  You weren’t checking for them anymore before you got there, and you aren’t about to start now. Hello and good day.

SHADY FACE

And let’s not forget, shade can be thrown not just verbally, but when by face as well.

oh really girlgiphyslow clapA face can say a thousand words.

THE AUTOMATIC READS

While some of these can get away with just a little shade, other scenarios can almost qualify for an automatic read.

Someone you just simply don’t like.

i dont like you and you knowThey don’t like you and you damn sure don’t like them but they somehow have made their way into your circumference to tell you a thing or two. Suddenly you are all out of Act Right juice and are possessed to let it be known with this person.

Someone comes for a loved one.bat walk

Someone flirts with your significant other

It’s become clear more than a few times that you and your boo are not interested, but yet here they are again.

gurl please (2)

And while there is reading, there is READING TO FILTH–Reading on the expert level. You want none of it.

you need to get an education you need to get an education2 you need to get an education3 you need to get an education4

And with all of that, the library is officially now closed.

Stay educated, my friends!

10 comments

  1. Just a heads up, Kenya never said she would suck anything! However, Apollo needed an excuse for wanting to cheat on Phaedra!!! Plus, Kenya is just too cool to suck something after Phaedra … But, nice way to say “my husband is a damn cheater!”

    1. Oh yeah, that’s why I just put it in quotations. PLEASE tell me you just heard the breaking news today on Apollo being arrested–should make for an interesting reunion show because you know Phaedra will try and dodge all questions!lol

Leave a Reply