Love & Relationships

Breaking Up To Break It Down

Overall when it comes to reading advice on being forever alone single, dealing with men and dating/relationship advice, it normally goes in one little drunken ear and out the other.

dont careWhich the fact that I don’t pay much attention to any of these is most likely my problem today.

im the only single im the only single2

I just prefer to let life be the real teacher. Nothing can teach you like the experience of your own. And from random conversations with that one aunt.

gtf over it and move onWhile being told that wearing more camisoles and brightly colored cardigans will make you appear more friendly and less intimidating to latch you a man are eyeroll worthy, the advice columns about break-ups are usually the ones that are the fucking worst. Sure, some can be inspiring or thought provoking, but then there are others that troll in with advice like:

EAT YOUR FEELINGS

TAKE MEDICATION

SPILL ALL THE DETAILS OF THE BREAK-UP

TAKE A SUPER WILD TRIP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS

and the goddamn Nickelback worse:

GET UNDER A NEW GUY TO GET OVER THE OLD ONE

new mail4

Now, I almost wish that this person that recently made news read at LEAST that hot mess bundle of advice, because she clearly didn’t read the ones that were for sane people. Let’s just call her….Felicia.

ex bf calls

WTF

WHET

FELICIA. GURL.

That’s 121,669 shades of NO DAMN MA’AM. In a span of seven days.

You should call NO ONE 77,639 times in one week. NOT. ONE. SOUL. Not work related people, not your mama, not your amazing sibling, not your best friend from childhood, not Tyrone, not your fabulous friend that gets even more fabulous after they’ve have a few cocktails, not the pizza place, not even on Jesus. He has enough on his plate, sis.

jesusClearly you never read a break up tip post-it let alone an actual column, or owned an Beyonce‘ album, or had a heart to heart with someone or been forced to watch He’s Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend on a drunken Saturday night.

So, thanks for the inspiration on breaking this down, and this is for you Felicia.

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Throwback Tales: Welcome To The Dark Side: Part 3

From the start of what turned out to be a crazy ride into the world of online dating—from creeps to plain ole NOs to “Hell Night” with Zac Efron to the too much too soon headache that was wine guy, all seemed worth it in the end by the time I finally met my new friend in person.

We chose to meet up at a bar/dance hall where upon my arrival I was greeted with a huge hug and then taken by the hand to pay my entry in and then to the bar for a drink.swoonMy new friend was already established as a good looking guy from his profile and talking online, but none of that did him justice compared to what he was in person. From his Midwestern accent to his bright Hazel eyes to his quick wit responses and sense of humor that scarily seemed to match mine it was safe to say I was smitten kittens. Shit: I was becoming. THAT. GIRL.

After talking about each other’s week and a quick dance we then went to meet outside with the friends of my new friend, where I was jokingly introduced as his girlfriend. It was funny, hopefully one day reigning to be true, and cute—mostly because I knew he was joking. If someone like wine guy had did it, it would have been creepy because trust he’d mean every bit of that shit.

old creep stare

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Throwback Tales: Welcome To The Dark Side: Part 2

So a few weeks ago, I began to share the time of this past summer when I gave into the thought of trying online dating.

Almost a full week into it I’d ran across some party boys, a guy I used to be involved with, a guy who claimed I was his new B.F.F., a guy that looked like Glenn Close, guys who clearly weren’t schooled on proper pictures to use for a dating site (like really who are the chicks in your photo, sir) and a few other bunches of HELL NO.

lesbianRight when I was ready to back out of my decision of joining this online catastrophe I ended up connecting and chatting with a guy that had a mutual friend in common with me. My new friend was funny, sweet, never ran out of things to talk about with me and I genuinely began to look forward to hopping on and learning more about him and he seemed to feel the same. Could it be…..my luck was changing?!

hand clasp (more…)

Throwback Tales: Welcome To The Dark Side: Part 1.

At least once a month I like to throw in something I created on Throwback Thursday called “Throwback Tales”, which goes back in time to something ridiculous I’ve experience so we can all sit and laugh at what a fool how interesting life can be at times.

Considering this is the last Thursday of 2013, I saved this particular tale and something that happened this summer’s end for last. It definitely isn’t the most outrageous incident that has happened, but it inspired three parts of Throwback Tales and it’s something I said I would never, ever, ever do.

TRY ONLINE DATING.

d1040bad2e5684c6117a61f6a6336c58But after being pressured from friends and family members probably secretly browsing through brochures to throw me into a convent, I gave into the idea for over an entire month. And lived to blog about it.

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Cuffing Season Is Here

Ready or not, here it comes!

cuffing season

Cuffing Season: During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship.

Cuff

So, if you still aren’t aware of what exactly is “Cuffing Season” or what are the signs of this Fall phenomenon allow me to break this down.

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Summer of Struggle

quit adulthoodStruggle Bus: (adj.) Term used to metaphorically describe a difficult situation.

And it’s been in heavy route roation so far this summer. High chances are you are on the struggle bus as well. Not 100% completely sure if you are or have been? Have a seat next to me and let’s break this shit down.

FINANCES

You have been spending most of this summer living it up, partying down–buying new outfits, listening to exciting music, eating good food and hitting the road without a care in the universe….until you sit down, skim through your budget and check your bank account.

terrifiedSuddenly you are hit with the cold broke reality that you are in fact NOT Daddy Warbucks and will now be eating Ramen noodles, canned chilli and turkey/mayo sandwiches for the next week in a half. Especially if you want gas money. And to save yourself some pride and not go to your parentals acting nothing short of a damn fool.

bankruptcyWelcome to the struggle bus. (more…)

Sh*t We’ve Learned About Dating From Horror Films

the conjuringOver the weekend I got some down time to hit the theaters with friends and go see The Conjuring, for those of you unfamiliar it follows the story of the Warren couple who are also paranormal investigators whom step in to help a terrorized family from a dark presence at their new home.

Knowing anything about me one of the things high on the list is that I am a dedicated fan of the Horror genre basically since birth, and despite the fact that most releases lately have sucked, I had to go and check this film out front and center.

And I was not disappointed.

Based off of a true story (actually the Warren couple are behind the true story of The Amityville Horror as well), the film like most was slow in the beginning but definitely kept the tone of eerie throughout. The acting was on point and the scares delivered. Everyone, including myself for the first time, was hollering in that theater like a fool.

scaredI can watch things like Chucky all day, but put an antique doll in my face along with creepy old ladies in a house and there is a problem.

The film went on to gross $41.5 million over the weekend and it is solid proof that the Horror genre is not dead and that people still love a good story and to be scared.

But what I realized specifically after talking with a friend is that we live our own little Horror films in our everyday lives.

DATING.

And of course, there are rules and things to be learned.

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It’s Never The One You Want.

The other night I got to talk and catch up with a good girlfriend of mine and of course everything with a vagina’s favorite topic came up:

Guys.

More specifically, the lack there of–or at least in the case of anything serious.

forever aloneListening to my friend’s current situation brought up the main underlining conclusion: IT IS NEVER THE ONE THAT YOU WANT. Sure, on TV and in movies, the girl always gets the guy but in real life–shit goes down further than a hoodrat at a Twerk Nation Convention.

twerk2No matter what, it’s always going to be something.

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The Plan.

normalSummer is almost here and that means:

My birthday is coming up. And Soon.

And while I should feel like this:

crying2I actually feel like this:

chewing2The “OH MY GOD I’M ONE MORE YEAR CLOSER TO THIRTY” hasn’t hit me yet. Really and truly, I don’t know if it ever really will–I have some time to change my mind though.

freaking outSure, sometimes I joke that I’m getting old as dirt, my hip hurts, or that I will end up in my future great-grandkids History book but my “closer to thirty” panic isn’t the typical “closer to thirty panic”.

I don’t freak out about “The Plan”.

What is “The Plan” exactly?

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THE Question

Every time I get with my family for a function or a gathering, I am always bombarded with the question. You know.

Oh as a single girl, you know the one.

“So are you dating anyone?”

so over EVERYTHING

Sometimes I don’t know whether I should stand and respond or get comfortable on the couch and really talk about it.

Normally I just give a quick yes or no answer. If you say yes and run you’ll be fine. If you say yes and stand there you’ll be attacked with questions of how you met, what color shirt they were wearing, when is the family going to meet him and all that shit.

sb

If you say no you are secretly being considered either a closet lesbian or a future candidate for a cat this coming Christmas.

cat

Recently one of the last gatherings I made the mistake when I was asked of responding yes to the question and got side tracked on the exit strategy. Before I knew it I was having to answer a list of other questions, including what exactly is my type. I couldn’t even get out an answer for myself before my pops shouted out “Broke, white and terrible”.

Buffy - eye squint

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