humor

Tuesday Tidbits: Previews of NOAP

tuesday tidbits

I didn’t sleep well last night.

And while it could be that I have the sleep pattern of a psychopath, have 22,000 items still left on my to-do list, trash on trash television programs patiently waiting for me on my DVR to watch, 2 books I’m currently reading, wondering what James Franco is up to in a very moment, etc. etc. etc.

Last night, however, I’m going to blame lack of  sleep on this bitch.

conjuring-doll-annabellegiphyYou’ve probably have started to see previews for the upcoming film Annabelle, which is the prequel to The Conjuring and follows the story of a couple who begin to experience supernatural incidents involving a vintage doll shortly after their home is invaded by satanic cultists.

Now, listen. It’s known I have a fiery love for all things Horror films, but let me have a moment of honesty.

Antique dolls creep me out. I can watch Child’s Play all day and not blink an eye, but those old school dolls? Hand me my purse, because I’m out.

My spirit still isn’t right from Dead Silence.

dead_silence_3prayerAnd that was 7 years ago.

Now here comes this damn doll’s cousin Annabelle twerking all over my peace with her creepiness. To me, she was the scariest part of The Conjuring and she was only in the film for a grand total of probably about 15 minutes. She scared the hell out of us, got her check and bounced, and returning to terrorize in 30 seconds or less until next month. And yes, I’m the girl that changes the commercial every time she arrives on my television and puts on the channel with all the church programs or The Disney Channel. Annabelle wouldn’t DARE step in Mickey’s house with that shit.

Arriving in my face also, is another story.

bitch slap

Don’t make me call Chucky, girl.

Despite my punk ass feelings toward her, will I be in attendance for the Annabelle premiere?

DUH.

NENfqI5WroSXRS_1_1

Scream out in theaters with this idiot when Annabelle hits theaters everywhere October 3rd.

Breaking Up To Break It Down

Overall when it comes to reading advice on being forever alone single, dealing with men and dating/relationship advice, it normally goes in one little drunken ear and out the other.

dont careWhich the fact that I don’t pay much attention to any of these is most likely my problem today.

im the only single im the only single2

I just prefer to let life be the real teacher. Nothing can teach you like the experience of your own. And from random conversations with that one aunt.

gtf over it and move onWhile being told that wearing more camisoles and brightly colored cardigans will make you appear more friendly and less intimidating to latch you a man are eyeroll worthy, the advice columns about break-ups are usually the ones that are the fucking worst. Sure, some can be inspiring or thought provoking, but then there are others that troll in with advice like:

EAT YOUR FEELINGS

TAKE MEDICATION

SPILL ALL THE DETAILS OF THE BREAK-UP

TAKE A SUPER WILD TRIP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS

and the goddamn Nickelback worse:

GET UNDER A NEW GUY TO GET OVER THE OLD ONE

new mail4

Now, I almost wish that this person that recently made news read at LEAST that hot mess bundle of advice, because she clearly didn’t read the ones that were for sane people. Let’s just call her….Felicia.

ex bf calls

WTF

WHET

FELICIA. GURL.

That’s 121,669 shades of NO DAMN MA’AM. In a span of seven days.

You should call NO ONE 77,639 times in one week. NOT. ONE. SOUL. Not work related people, not your mama, not your amazing sibling, not Jake from State Farm, not your best friend from childhood, not Tyrone, not your fabulous friend that gets even more fabulous after they’ve have a few cocktails, not the pizza place, not even on Jesus. He has enough on his plate, sis.

jesusClearly you never read a break up tip post-it let alone an actual column, or owned an Beyonce‘ album, or had a heart to heart with someone or been forced to watch He’s Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend on a drunken Saturday night.

So, thanks for the inspiration on breaking this down, and this is for you Felicia.

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Sistahood

sisterhoodI have no damn idea how to do Blogger Awards, nominations, etc.

How is this thing generated?

If I win do I win a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its or James Franco paraphernalia?

How do I vote for someone?

Is Simon Cowell over picking the winner? Is there a winner? At the end of the day, aren’t we ALL winners??

BUT, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so I’m throwing this in my pile of YES and giving it a go.

So thank you to the lovely Dayeanne Hutton over at Potpurrri, a fashion blog for eclectic girls, for nominating me for the “Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award”.

 

Questions:

1. Who is your number one fashion inspiration?

As basic as this is going to sound, my #1 fashion inspo is Audrina Patridge. Yes, the girl from the show I can’t quit ever, The Hills. My grandchildren will suffer be watching this program and reliving Miss Patridge’s style.

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Throwback Tales: 24hr Confessions of A Crazy Cat Lady

The pet debate on adding a little fur baby edition to my roof has been an ongoing scrimmage for a few years now.

Should I or shouldn’t I?

Shouldn’t I or should I?

Well, in the midst of summertime madness and most likely too much sunshine oozing into my brain cells, I’d decided that I definitely should take a jump into the kennel and become a pet mama….which only meant that naturally I’d live to regret that decision.

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Twitter & Blue Ivy Saved Us All: The 2014 VMA Recap

The MTV Video Music Awards are nowhere close to what they used to be. We know this. But every year we continue to watch and wait for at least one hair flipping glimmer of hope, and until then we turn to social media to help cope through it all.

If you experience in particular live Twitter, you must so during an awards show. There’s barely anything in this world better. Except for alcohol after a rough day. And day’s off.  Early pay day deposits. Seeing an ex do bad without you.  A really good ass cheese platter. And an actual life.

Okay, so there’s a lot still greater but there’s no other way to spend the end of summer than wasting 3 hours to watch one of the most talked about events every year and The Beyonce’ concert VMAs was once again leaving topics, and tweets, up for discussion.

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Peeve This: The Summer Edition

surprise b2surprise b3Hey. Remember that time I took a break for about a month and it was simply unacceptable?

Well, let’s not even discuss the highest level of unacceptable it is that the fact of my last real post was a little over THREE MONTHS AGO.

THREE. DAMN. MONTHS. That’s 90+ days. Even Michael Jackson released an album in the midst of my hiatus.

changes subjectThe only good thing is that there is lots to catch up on, lots to discuss and yes, lots to be peeved about.

Welcome to Peeve This: The Summer Edition.

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Throwback Tales: Welcome To The Dark Side: Part 3

From the start of what turned out to be a crazy ride into the world of online dating—from creeps to plain ole NOs to “Hell Night” with Zac Efron to the too much too soon headache that was wine guy, all seemed worth it in the end by the time I finally met my new friend in person.

We chose to meet up at a bar/dance hall where upon my arrival I was greeted with a huge hug and then taken by the hand to pay my entry in and then to the bar for a drink.swoonMy new friend was already established as a good looking guy from his profile and talking online, but none of that did him justice compared to what he was in person. From his Midwestern accent to his bright Hazel eyes to his quick wit responses and sense of humor that scarily seemed to match mine it was safe to say I was smitten kittens. Shit: I was becoming. THAT. GIRL.

After talking about each other’s week and a quick dance we then went to meet outside with the friends of my new friend, where I was jokingly introduced as his girlfriend. It was funny, hopefully one day reigning to be true, and cute—mostly because I knew he was joking. If someone like wine guy had did it, it would have been creepy because trust he’d mean every bit of that shit.

old creep stare

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Peeve This: The Winter Edition

It is clear that everyone has their fair share of pet peeves and last Fall I came to the realization that the list of things that annoy me is longer than I expected.

Just when you think you’ve reached your limit, some new trend or new annoyance twirls in….and that brings us to the part where we welcome Winter.

THE WEATHERpolar-vortexThis whole polar vortex malarkey has really been whipping everyone’s ass into shape this season.

snow dayThe freezing rain and high psychotic winds and snow was cute for about 10.5 minutes.

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Throwback Tales: Welcome To The Dark Side: Part 2 1/2

Over the end of last summer, I decided to break out of my comfort zone and enter the world of online dating. After combing through what seemed like countless profiles of NOs and surviving a date with a guy that looked like Zac Efron that I will now only refer to as “Hell Night”, I took my exit upon the new adventure and somehow managed to still keep two potentials: my new friend and wine guy.

Although things with my new friend had stepped up via Facebook messages no move or other point of contact was made.

Meanwhile wine guy swooped in for the interest and insisted on seeing me again for a second date.im excited im excited2 (more…)

Shade vs Reading

Real-Housewives-of-AtlantaI LOVE my fair portion of trash reality television, and Real Housewives of Atlanta definitely does not miss the plate. This season thus far has been an interesting one with Porsha’s divorce, Mama Joyce’s hatred for Todd, and whether or not Kenya actually did offer to “suck Apollo’s wee-wee”. I wish I was making some of this shit up.

On one of the more recent episodes cast member Nene Leakes brought along one of her friends Mynique to a group gathering where she was later then schooled on the fundamentals of throwing shade and reading.

reading

No, not that kind of reading.

ReadHunny

  • Shade: acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone a.k.a “throwing shade”.
  • Read: To tell someone about themself, as in “Don’t do it bitch, I will read your ass”.

Bitch don't comeShade throwing and serving a good read–you either know it or you don’t. Personally it’s not something that can be taught, especially in the span of a few minutes and then be put up against almost the entire cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta–because chances are you won’t be ready.

However, let’s get with the Gawds and break this all down: Get your glasses handy because the library is officially open, honey chile.

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